Just Plain Humorous

OOPS!

When you think you've had a bad day, remember this one... I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!

(This author is remaining "Unknown" for fairly obvious reasons!)

Ice Cream

Author Unknown

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads, he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart." Then in a theatrical whisper the gentleman added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is already good."

Phone Answerer Messages

Author Unknown

Actual answering machine answers recorded

and verified by the world-famous International Institute of

Answering Machine Answers:

"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

The Barber

Author Unknown

Setting: a small rural community... so small in fact the only church in town is a small Baptist Church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet.

There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his new-found comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about to shave and decided "I make enough money now... I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.

He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway...   Sit down and I'll shave you." So he did.

She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?" "$25", Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave just every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.

The next day he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought to himself. Well, it was a $25 shave.

The next day he again awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. "Wow!" he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean shaven business look.

Day 3 he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.

This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.

The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace... and once shaved, always shaved."

I got the tulip wallpaper at:

and the blinking smiley face at:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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