Humorously Inspirational

Divine Call

The pastor's church is called Almighty God Tabernacle. On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways.

The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the guy was talking about. Then the guy said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." Then the pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife.

The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.'

At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to answer."

All I Really Need to Know

I Learned From Noah's Ark

Author Unknown

1. Don't miss the boat.

2. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

4. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY BIG.

5. Don't listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.

6. Build your future on high ground.

7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

8. Two heads are better than one.

9. Speed isn't always an advantage; the snails were on board with the cheetahs.

10. When you're stressed, float awhile.

11. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic was built by professionals.

12. No matter the storm, when you're with God there's a rainbow waiting.

13. Remember that woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than the storm outside...

Reasons to Not Wash

Author Unknown

If you took the same excuses that people use for not
going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you'd
realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic...

1. I was forced to as a child.

2. People who make soap are only after your money.

3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.

4. People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everyone else.

5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.

6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.

7. None of my friends wash.

8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.

9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.

10. I can't spare the time

Twisted Footprints

(A variation of "Footprints in the Sand")

from Cathy Falco

Now imagine you and the Lord Jesus walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying the pace. But your footprints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures and returns. For much of the way it seems to go like this. But gradually, your footprints come more in line with the Lord's, soon paralleling His consistently. You and Jesus are walking as true friends.

This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: your footprints that once etched the sand next to the Master's are now walking precisely in His steps. Inside His larger footprints is the small sand print, safely enclosed. You and Jesus are becoming one. This goes on for many miles.

But gradually you notice another change. The footprint inside the larger footprint seems to grow larger. Eventually it disappears altogether. There is only one set of footprints. They have become one.

Again, this goes on for a long time. But then something awful happens. The second set of footprints is back. And this time it seems even worse. Zigzags all over the place. Stops. Starts. Deep gashes in the sand. A veritable mess of prints. You're amazed and shocked. But this is the end of your dream.

Now you speak: "Lord, I understand the first scene with the zigzags and starts and stops and so on. I was a new Christian, just learning. But You walked on thru the storm and helped me learn to walk the journey with You."

"That is correct."

"Yes, and when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps. I followed You so very closely."

"Very good. You have understood everything so far."

"Then the smaller footprints grew and eventually filled in with Yours. I suppose that I was actually growing so much that I was becoming like You in every way."

"Precisely."

"But this is my question, Lord. Was there a regression or something? The footprints went back to the first scene and this time it was worse than the first!"

The Lord smiles, then laughs. "You didn't know? That was when we danced."

And here is yet another variation of

the famous "Footprints in the Sand"! I hope you

will not find the use of the word "butt" offensive.

I do not normally use it in reference

to that part of the body even in everyday use,

but prefer "hiney" or "derrière,"

but as you will see, the word "buttprints"

is really the only fitting term for this piece.

I absolutely love this! It's even

more true than it is funny!

Buttprints in the Sand

By either:

Rev. Robert Schaibley

(according to this page)

Sam Glen

(according to this page)

(So we don't know what to think!

Hopefully it's ONE of those two!)

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen.
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
But Lord, they are too big for feet.

My child, He said in somber tones,
For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.

You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know.
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you, on your butt.

Because in life, there comes a time,
When men must fight and men must climb.
When men must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their buttprints in the sand.

Mottoes For Saner Living

Author Unknown

(These are probably more humorous than

inspirational, but several of them hold some truth!)

Pain and suffering are inevitable but misery is optional.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

If you haven't much education you must use your brain.

You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" - it's always a negative one.

The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

The trouble with work is - it's so daily.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people are crazy. Check 3 friends, if they are OK, you're it.

(I don't know who wrote these; obviously someone collected them,

as I have seen many of them "all over" over the years, but they were sent to

me by my sister, Pat, who's very gifted in finding cool sayings.)

I got the floral wallpaper and

computer graphic at:

_________________

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