Computer Humor

Did Jesus Use a Modem

at the

Sermon on the Mount?

Did Jesus use a modem,
        At the Sermon on The Mount?
Did He ever try to broadcast fax,
        To send his message out?
Did the disciples carry beepers,
        As they went about their route?
Did Jesus use a modem,
        At the Sermon on the Mount?

Did Paul use a laptop,
        With lots of RAM and ROM?
Were his letters posted on BBS,
        At Paul@Rome.Com?
Did the man from Macedonia,
        Send an E-mail saying "Come?"
Did Paul use a laptop,
        With lots of RAM and ROM?

Did Moses use a joystick,
        At the parting of the sea?
And a Satellite Guidance Tracking System,
        To show him where to be?
Did he write the law on tablets,
        Or are they really on CD?
Did Moses use a joystick,
        At the parting of the Sea?

Did Jesus really die for us,
        One day upon a tree?
Or was it a hologram,
        Or Technical Wizardry?
Can you download the Live Action Video Clip,
        To play on your PC?
Did Jesus really die for us,
        One day upon a tree?

Have the wonders of this modern age,
        Made you question what is true?
How a single man, in a simple time,
        Could offer life anew?

How a sinless life, A cruel death,

Then glorious life again,
Could offer more to a desperate world,
Than all the inventions of man?

If in your life, the voice of God,
        Is sometimes hard to hear.
With other voices calling,
        He doesn't touch your ear.
Then set aside your laptop and modem

And all your fancy gear.
And open up your Bible,

Open your heart,
And let your Father draw near.
"Be still and know that I am God."

Lord Please

Bless My Computer

Author Unknown

Since the first verse

(after "inside my head") didn't have rhyme or

meter, I fixed it so it does. ~Barb)

Every night I lie in bed
This little prayer inside my head:

God please bless my mom and dad
     And bless my girl and boy
And also bless my precious spouse
     Who brings me so much joy...

God, there's just one more thing
     I wish that you would do,
If you don't mind my asking,
     To bless my 'puter, too??

Now I know that it's not normal
To bless a small machine,
But listen just a second
And I'll try to explain...

You see, that little metal box
     Holds more than odds and ends
Inside those small components
     Rest a hundred loving friends.

Some, it's true, I've never seen
     And most I've never met,
Never shaken hands or
     Ever truly hugged, and yet...

I know for sure they love me
     By the kindness they give,
And this little scrap of metal
     Is how I get to where they live.

By faith is how I know them,
     Much the same as I know You.
I share the life it brings them,
     So if it's OK with you...

Just take an extra minute
     From your duties up above,
To bless this little hunk of steel
     That's filled with so much love.

So God,

Please Bless My 'Puter...

Jesus vs. Satan

Author Unknown

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them rebooted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became very irate: "Wait! He must have cheated. How did he do that?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

The Lord's Prayer

Author Unknown

A mother was teaching her 3-year-old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end. "Lead us not into temptation" she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.

Is a Computer a He or a She?

Author Unknown

A pastor of a church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she"; and "her." He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The Top 53 PC T-Shirt Slogans

Author Unknown

1) Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2) As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
3) COFFEE.EXE missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
4) Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
5) Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
6) Backups! We don' NEED no steenking backups!
7) 4 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
8) E Pluribus Modem
9) Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
10) File not found. Should I fake it? [ Y / N ]
11) Ethernet (n): Something used to catch the Etherbunny
12) Computers are not intelligent; they only think they are.
13) A main-frame: The biggest PC peripheral available.
14) My software never has bugs. lt just develops undocumented features.
15) An error? Impossible! My modem is error-correcting.
16) C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
17) CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. [Y/N]?
18) C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
19) <-------- The information went data way
20) Does fuzzy logic tickle?
21) Best file compression around- "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
22) A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
23) The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
24) 11th commandment: Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
25) BREAKFAST.COM Halted .. Cereal Port Not Responding
26) Press <CTRL-ALT-DEL> to continue ...
27) The name is Baud, James Baud.
28) Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
29) BUFFERS FILES 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go
30) Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
31) SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory...
32) Access denied! Nah nah na na nah nah!
33) Who's General Failure and why is he reading my disk?!
34) C:\Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner!
35) Ultimate office automation: Net-worked coffee.
36) Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay!
37) RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.
38) Why doesn't DOS ever say 'EXCELLENT'?
39) Shell to DOS, Come in DOS, do you COPY?
40) All computers wait at the same speed.
41) Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42) Go ahead, make my data!
43) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
44) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45) ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46) E-mail returned to sender: Insufficient voltage.
47) Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
48) All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49) Error! Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50) DOS Tip #1701: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
51) Hidden DOS secret: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
52) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
53) Press any key... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one! >>

...end of file *blip!*

I got the floral wallpaper and computer graphic at:

~~~~~~~

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