Characteristics of a healthy relationship, in a nutshell: 

It will be flowing, respectful, enjoy and have fun with each other, complete trust, asking for forgiveness as often as there are offenses (sins or hurts), peaceful, willing and unbegrudging obedience, freedom between – and at ease with – each other, encourage one another, grow together in the Lord

These traits are the norm in a healthy relationship, not the exception. This doesn't mean there won't be moments of tension, but tension will not be the norm if differences and offenses are being dealt with in real time.  

Your child is a person – “spirit and soul”; entrusted to you for only a season. For their early, formative years, they are “under” you in this relationship, for you to raise, train, lead, guide, and form. Later, as they approach adulthood, there will be a transition and it will transform into a different kind of relationship where they will be more beside you, walking with you in your relationship with God.

Characteristics of a poor relationship:

The relationship that is in need of repair, rebuilding, “redeeming” of aspects of it that are poorly or unhealthily functioning: Parents and kids will see (experience, take part in) the following:

sassing    volatile    “stepping on eggshells”    hurt feelings    not speaking    uncaring attitudes    angry outbursts    coldness    impatience with each other    challenging of rules and authority    stand-offs    undercurrent of bitterness    disrespect    sarcasm    put-downs    retreating to room    nit-picking    griping    lack of co-operation    refusal to help at home    demanding    always right   

What's the balance between being “Parent and/or Friend”?

The parent has authority it from God, but must EARN it to keep it. Relationship precedes authority. Being legalistic or dogmatic will only drive a wedge (further) between you and your teen. 

Be grace-based in making (and sharing and implementing) your conviction-based rules. Be more flexible, open and “teachable” in your preference-based guidelines.

Rebellion:  The Virus that Hits Every Teen?

Warning signs and evidences of a troubled relationship include everything above, plus a few others that are more serious: 

lying    bitterness    inability to trust    apathy    worsening disrespect (rolling of the eyes)    emotional distancing    out with friends or alone in room a lot    physical acts of violence either before each other or at/to each other    depression    short answers and/or shortness with each other is the norm

At this point communication is basically at a superficial level, dealing mostly with necessary daily functions of life. Meaningful or enjoyable interchanges are rare, if ever.

This lack of meaningful relationship creates a void in the child that they will want – and have – to fill with other things: the opposite sex, food, drugs, smoking, excessive and extreme entertainment, video games, skate­board, music. Healthy interests are fine, but obsessions and imbalances develop where there’s a deep void.

Dads often find the baby/toddler years easier to navigate as they’re often good at playing and having fun, but as the child gets older, when it comes to relating to them, and dealing with a child who is now able to “talk back,” they are often clueless and just don’t know what to do.

The beginning of lust in girls is often a lack of love and affection from Dad, and the need to fill it with something begins to be stirred up at around age 10, 11, or 12.

So can rebellion be prevented? Or is it pretty much to be expected? That rebellion will most likely happen is a lie the enemy concocted and loves to perpetrate. (And has been quite successful!)

However, contrary to popular belief, it is simply not true! YES it can be prevented; I would say “almost always.” Read on to how to begin the restoration and healing process.

Seven Steps to (Re-)Building and Mending a Broken Relationship:

This must start with the parent pursuing reconciliation and restoration. You may be met with resistance, but persist, in the right way, with a right heart, as follows…  If ALL the following are not true and happening, you may as well not even bother beginning, or you will only drive them further away. Humility is KEY throughout it all.

1) Confession and forgiveness on both parts - There must be a “clearing of the air.” (Get help/counsel if needed.) There needs to be a release from past offenses. The parents must first truly get real, but not fleshly.

2) By God’s grace, get into a state of complete openness, humility and teachableness - Open your wounded hearts to each other. Without this, nothing further can happen.

3) Build up your child’s self esteem & security. This will take time. Give specific compliments. Tell your daughter she’s beautiful and sweet; tell your son he’s handsome, funny. “Speak life” into the child’s God-given talents and giftings; who they are, not (just) who they’ll become!

Be your child’s biggest “fan”, not just in entertainment areas, but areas of character, being careful to not “feed the flesh” or you'll get them to become dependent on the “praise of man.” 

You need to: lay down – die to – the desire for “fame and glory”; pray – ask God to open and close doors that HE wants opened and closed for them. Be realistic in assessing their talents and giftings; gently steer them away from things they’re not good at. Speak words of faith and affirmation, especially relating to their character. Express value to each other; your value of them as people and part of your family.;

Discover your child’s “love language” … and speak it often!

       1)  words of affirmation       2)  gift giving       3) meaningful touch      4) quality time     5)  acts of service

4) Correct wrong thinking about the parent/child relationship

This must be done first in yourself (READ and LEARN!), and then in your child.

5) Correct unhealthy ways of relating to each other, again, first in yourself, and then in your child.

Your child needs to be allowed to teach you!   J Gently speak the truth to/over thoughts, actions, and ways of speaking that are damaging to your relationship with your child, or between siblings. There’s nothing godly or scriptural about “letting them duke it out”! 

It is our job to not only protect them from each other, but to gently, softly and humbly correct and teach them to love and respect each other. I had to repent on several occasions even in how I corrected them – for having allowed and taught them to relate in an unloving way! L That should help you stay humble and gentle!

6) Set firm guidelines, yet be humble and gentle in “enforcing” them.

“Laying down the law” and being severe – not walking in grace – will only move you backwards, away from each other instead of toward!

7) Continue on this path, persevere, be patient, remain humble. 

Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to seek out ongoing, frequent counsel from a counselor or friend with good fruit in their life with their children. Learn to enjoy each other – which might mean getting to know your children even better and choosing to not be distracted or put off by certain (irritating) traits about them. (This is part of “dying to self.” J) 

Communication: the Foundation for Building and Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

Here are several elements for effective, healthy communication:

Be respectful in all situations. Respect =  “consideration;  to esteem as possessed of real or great worth"

Do  not be non-demanding (God doesn’t demand our love or respect)

Have a wise, benevolent attitude in giving or not giving permission to do things. Try to avoid saying “no” but rather talk it through from their perspective and for their benefit.

Talk things through; why you are doing this. Never say “I’m the parent, that's why!!!” 

Deal with heart issues, not merely the behavior.  Behavior issues from the heart!

Never say “You always…”  or  “You never…”  Give credit where it is due ~ or you will exasperate them:  They'll just feel like: “Why should I even try?!?!?”

Learn how to be a good listener. “Active listening” is much more important than knowing what to say

Just talk and share ~ calmly, kindly, as an adult, be interested in each other’s interests

Treat each other as you would a friend as much as possible.

Be vulnerable with each other.

Talk through crucial decisions so they can learn the thinking behind decisions.

Pray for the Holy Spirit’s grace and wisdom as you are discussing difficult things.

Remember, tone is huge. It will make or break your ability to converse with your children. If you think it’s fine, record it sometime, and then have a friend listen to the tape! You may be surprised! J

The Transition Years

As the child matures into adulthood, what changes? ... Our “grip” loosens. The quiet child is more likely to speak mind. The rules; responsibility increases. (The more vocal one already does!)

What doesn’t change? ... How we relate. Be gracious and grace-based throughout all changes.

Discipling and mentoring your children, teens and grown children: “All the above” is actually discipling and mentoring!

How did Jesus disciple? …  He lived with them, served them, did not “lord it over them,” took them aside and explained things. Growth and understanding came as He patiently and consistently poured His heart and thoughts into them.

Adding on NEW grown children! 

I'm referring to the spouses of your children as they grow up and get married! If you have laid a good foundation with your own children, then acquiring NEW children will be much easier! Because all the exact same principles apply to your new children!

You will need to become and remain equal-hearted toward both your child and their spouse; not taking sides; not neutral, but 100% "for" each of them! If your "new child" is from a family where wrong relating was the norm, you will need to – very carefully and humbly – communicate with him or her and bring him/her alongside you in correctly relating.

If you do all this with wisdom, humility, and grace, they will come to you in times of trouble in their life or marriage. (The advice that your parents should stay out of the picture is foolish and unbiblical if godly, humble, right-relating parents are present. And if they aren't, they need to become that way quickly.

“There is only ONE

situation that is truly hopeless:

the one into which God is not

 invited or welcome to stay!