by Dave Shelton

By way of introduction, there are a few things I need to say before I get into the heart of my main message to you fathers…

First, I would never have created this title and then set myself up as being “The Ultimate Homeschool Dad.” I don’t feel qualified to speak on this, but my wife thinks I am. She believes in me and has encouraged me to share because she, having been speaking to homeschool audiences since our third year of homeschooling, was asked several times through those years when people would start hearing from me, her husband. Well, here you go, and here I am. J

When your first child was born, you were not given an instruction manual for how to be an excellent dad. Likewise when you got married and said “I do,” you didn’t receive instructions for how to be a great husband – other than maybe the sermon during the wedding, which you probably didn’t hear a word of anyway.

There is, of course, the Bible, which is the best instruction manual of all, but somehow most people, even people with a great deal of spiritual maturity and insight, and success in other areas, struggle with the practicalities of applying the truths in scripture to raising children. They have children with poor values, who stray from God and the church, and go through rebellion as often as kids not raised with Christian parents.

I can assure you that my wife, Barb, and I do not speak from the platform of having it all together, or being a shining example of a perfect marriage or perfect parents. J 

We got married for all the wrong reasons. In fact, I was all of NINETEEN years old when we got married!!!  A KID! We did not have mentors in our lives to help us avoid the many pitfalls we fell into. And we had very little spiritual understanding or wisdom ourselves.

Consequently, we both made some serious mistakes, especially me. (Although she says especially her.) So I’m not speaking from the position of “having arrived” anywhere, but rather from a position of being “on the road” – always learning. I am right alongside all the other dads and husbands who are on the path, wanting to do a good job, but sometimes clueless as to how to do it; sometimes even undoing – or sabotaging – our own efforts.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes along the way. Mistakes that, to be honest, I personally feel totally disqualify me from speaking. As of this July, we will be celebrating our or 28^th Wedding Anniversary. In one sense, it would probably be more accurate to say 27 and a half years, rather than 28, because we were separated – with me living out of the house – for 6 months, several years back.

It is ONLY by the grace of God that Barb and I are still married, and that I am standing before you today – here to share with you some of what I have learned, which, had I learned it sooner, would have made life much more pleasant for my family and myself. …  But, on the other hand, if we are still married after all the pain and heartache, we probably do merit getting to keep credit for the full 28!   ;-D  

All that to say…  you won’t be getting any instruction manuals from us either! We can only share our own experience and point you toward God and His word. J

How many of you men hunt?  …   Fish?  …  OK, for those of you who don’t, what other hobbies do you enjoy?  …  Do you enjoy carpentry work?  …  Computers?  …  Hiking?  …  Photography?  … Bicycling?  ...  Working out?  …  Golfing?  …  Motorcycle riding?  … Water or snow skiing?

For some of these activities or hobbies, you can just “dabble” in it, and still enjoy it, and get a lot out of it.

However for most of them, you’ll probably at least get more out of it if you do some learning about it first, and then learn more as you go, hands-on. You might want to pick up a “Hiking for Dummies” book – and they do have these on just about every subject under the sun – or moon!  ... Or you might want to take a “Photography Class” at a local college. 

You can also learn a lot by talking with someone you consider to be an expert in the area you’re interested in.

In my hunting and fishing adventures, I never went into it thinking I knew it all. I am still learning, and will be for the rest of my life. Consequently, some of the most productive things that I share with you I simply stumbled upon by the grace of God. So this is what’s behind why I have to continue to go hunting and fishing. And often! I am still learning and who knows what I might stumble onto my next trip out!

What I want to share with you is the things my wife and I see as being my role, or my contribution, in fact any dad’s role and contribution, in our family’s homeschool. It’s kind of embarrassing to share all these things because I don’t see myself as being fully mature in any of them, except maybe the sense of humor aspect, but they are things I’m trying to grow in. 

So I share them not to brag, but because my wife has found them to be so valuable in helping make 20 years of homeschooling very fun and “doable” for her and our kids. We have never even come close to “burn-out” which seems to be a common virus among homeschoolers. In fact, we have only 2 more years left with our youngest, Carlianne, and Barb is not looking forward to homeschooling ending. We’re hoping that grandchildren will come along in the “nick of time” to help fill that gap! 

My wife says that these are things I’ve done and contributed that have encouraged her along the way, and freed her up to “be all that she can be” in helping our kids be all that they can be. I hope they will be an encouragement to you to hear God on what He wants to do in you to grow you into the Ultimate Homeschool Dad and Husband for your own family!

Please hear me on this, men. There is no comparing ourselves with other dads. This will be counter-productive. And if we do find ourselves comparing, we need to immediately recognize that it’s not of or from God. In fact, comparison is actually specifically addressed in II Corinthians 10:12 where it says:  

“When they measure themselves by one another, and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding...”

“Without understanding…” of what, specifically? Of the fact that each of us is a “work in progress.” God's work, to be even more specific. God wants to build each of us into the “ultimate dad and husband” we can be in and of ourselves, not “ultimate” as compared to – or topping – any other dads! We all have our strengths and weaknesses. God wants us to maintain our healthy strengths while He develops our weaknesses.

So here some things that she sees in me – and that I, in turn – want to pass along to you as being the most valuable things that we dads can bring to our families; the things that will make us “Ultimate Homeschool Dads”… at least in our family's eyes! – and that’s all that counts!

You'll notice that the first letter of these eight traits are "FISH HUNT."

Focus, Vision 

FOCUS = the point in which any number of rays of light meet. How many of you remember back to when your wife was in labor, getting close to bringing any of your children into the world?  I’m sure you’ve all had different experiences, and some of you even have adopted children whose births you weren’t present at, or your wife had complications that kept you from having the “experience of a lifetime” of getting to assist your wife in labor – heavy labor!  Many of us probably came close to suing the childbirth class teacher for not giving us a clearer warning of what it would really be like!!!   Ah yes, the memories! One of the things they taught us to do was to help our wives focus!!! Yes, focuson a focal point. This was supposed to keep her from freaking out. Of course, oftentimes, it doesn’t – the panic produced by the labor pains was just too much – but it was a nice idea.

Well, homeschooling can bring about similar feelings of panic in our wives. When they think that what’s expected of them is to imitate the world’s system of “educating” by doing “school at home,” then heavy expectations that are NOT from God are laid on them, and that burden is not one they were designed to carry. What’s sad is that we husbands, the very ones who are supposed to be lightening their load, are actually inadvertently making it worse!!! And heavier!!!!  To explain what I mean by that, I need to first take a detour and talk about some interesting things I’ve learned about being a husband …

Let’s first look at the definition of the word:  Husband means:  manager, steward, caretaker  –  the man responsible  –  the “head”  …  And then “head” means:  director, chief, headmaster, principal, foremost. So “head” obviously has to do with leadership and authority, as in the “head of the class,” the commander-in-chief of the military, the president of a company or of the country, the leader of a church, the head of the home. Being the head of your home, dads, I believe to be a biblical position you are given by God’s decree.

Ephesians 5:23 says, “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior”. And as such, your vision for the Home becomes extremely important, and to not have one can be destructive for your family. Proverbs 29:18 says “Where there is no vision, the people perish”. Develop the vision with realistic expectations in conjunction with, and unity with your wife.

When you homeschool, you may start out with a certain picture of how it should look. Maybe you saw the cover of a homeschooling magazine and are pretty sure that’s what your family ought to look like – all the time. And I don’t mean just physically, all fixed up nice for a family portrait, but everything we think is behind that. And what you think is “behind that” could be somewhat – or even very – different from what your wife thinks is “behind that.”  To avoid those “expectation gaps” – and a lot of frustration, tension, disappointment along the way – you and your spouse will want to be communicating as you go… not on different sides, not against each other, but coming together to determine what needs to be changed, brought in, tossed out, and kept and made stronger or better. Luke 11:17 says, “any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself with fall”. Personalizing that for our own situation, “A house – or homeschool – divided against itself cannot stand.”     

The next role a “super homeschool dad and husband” plays is that of being:

Interested, participatory, attentive

INTERESTED = to concern, to excite emotion or passion…to engage) As dads and husbands, we tend to be very logical-minded and think that the best thing we can give our wives and kids is our profound and practical wisdom and advice. However that’s not always what they need.  In fact, to be honest, it’s more than likely just what they don’t need. More often than not, the very best thing we can give them is our interest and attention. Listen to what Proverbs 18:13 says “he who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.”  Too often, we men have a tendency to give advice too quickly, even before listening. Listening is a great way to show interest men. Here is another verse, it’s Song of Solomon 2:14  “My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.”  Men, just to turn your face toward those who love you, is for them lovely. That is showing interest in them, something as simple as turning our face toward our family and giving them your full attention.

Let’s focus on having better communication with our wives. By being an attentive audience or listener, we are giving them the gift of value. Us valuing them enough to give them time, compliments, attention. This can be for any little or big creative thing they have made, from a lego building to a tree fort, to a doll house, to a puppet show, to a little Christmas play.

Another important contribution to our homeschool is us having a:

Servant-heart

A SERVANT is one who waits or attends to another…interesting note: “every slave is a servant but every servant is not a slave”. Being a servant is voluntary.)  We men seem to really like the saying “A man’s home is his castle.”  It sounds nice on the surface, but it’s more likely to compel us to act more like the “King of the Castle” than a servant in it. This is yet another example of how God’s economy is completely backwards from the world. Matthew 20: 25–28 says

“…The rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. Whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant…  even as the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve…” 

So, as much as we enjoy being served, if we’re going to do it God’s way, we just don’t have any scriptural coverage for expecting to be served and bowed down to! 

Dr. Richard Halverson, Chaplain of the United States Senate, wrote the following after 69 years of life and 42 years of marriage:

“It is my deep, settled conviction that one hundred percent of the responsibility for the sustenance of the marriage relationship belongs to the husband. The scriptures tell us that, as husbands, we need to model ourselves after Jesus Christ, who gave Himself up in every way in order to present His bride to Himself without blemish or stain or spot or wrinkle.”

Do you want a happier, more secure wife?  When she’s stressed with all that’s “on her plate,” don’t offer her advice on how to better manage her time; Instead, offer to make dinner. This is actually something I have done several times a week for most of our married life. In fact, without a doubt, I have probably made at least three times as many dinners as my wife. And of course, she says I’m pretty much the best cook in the world, though I can’t help but think that’s just a clever way of motivating me to want to do it. J  But I didn’t start out as a chef, either; I knew pretty much nothing when I started cooking, but learned as I went. I saw how much it blessed my wife with everything else she had to do, that I just kept doing it. This, along with our kids’ help, is the reason my wife has been able to write 8 books to help home­school­ers. Now your wife may never feel called to write a book, but if you have little ones, her plate is just as full, just with different demands – but just as draining and demanding – on her time and energy. Let me give you 3 magical words that will greatly give relief to your wife…”I’ll make dinner”…or if you prefer, “Let’s eat out”. We men need to be asking ourselves, “how can I serve my wife?”.

The next contribution I want to discuss is:

Humor

HUMOR = That quality of the imagination which gives to ideas a wild or fantastic turn and tends to excite laughter or mirth by ludicrous images or representations.) By using humor, we are being a burden-lifter and a heart-lightener – We HIGHLY value humor in our house. Besides being just plain fun and enjoyable, humor can actually serve three very important functions:

1) Humor has a major part in lifting heavy spirits, lightening loads. In Proverbs it says “A merry heart does good like a medicine.”  

2) Humor can ease tensions in the house. When people tend to hyper-focus on issues that don’t really matter, then saying something off-the-wall can help them realize that there’s more to life than what they’re focusing on.   

3) And, lastly, humor can be a “relational barometer.”  A person whose spirit is closed to you – as in ticked at something you’ve done, or better yet, upset about something someone else has done, or something that’s happened (and it’s always nice when it’s not ME), they will not laugh at your jokes or jesting, no matter how funny they are. If their spirit is wounded, you can be the funniest comedian in the world and they will not laugh. If this is the case, then you can recognize that this persons been hurt and you can help them deal with it.

Humble-hearted, teachable, a learner

HUMBLE = to abase or reduce pride and arrogance) My wife says this is one of my best qualities, and I’m very proud of that. J  I’ve heard of lots of husbands who insist on their kids doing piles of textbooks and workbooks – basically “school at home.”  This is based on a good desire to raise kids who are educated and godly, but what they fail to realize is that piles of curriculum do not “educate.”  John Taylor Gatto was the New York State Teacher of the Year in 1992…  Here is what he had to say about this:

"I don’t think we’ll get rid of schools any time soon, certainly not in my lifetime, but if we’re going to change what’s rapidly becoming a disaster of ignorance, we need to realize that the school institution "schools" very well, though it does not "educate"; that’s inherent in the design of the thing. It’s not the fault of bad teachers or too little money spent. It’s just impossible for education and schooling ever to be the same thing."

Well, some people may not agree, and that’s OK,  but I think that there are some wrong ideas about submission out there.  Through my wife’s contact with thousands of homeschooling moms over the past 20 years, I have heard of many moms who want to hear God in how they approach homeschooling, but whose husbands are pulling them in the opposite direction, wanting them to either send their kids to “real school”, either public or private, or to bring school home by requiring them to operate under heavy academic requirements.

Let’s go back to the commander-in-chief of the military... I want to explore this for a moment…  A military commander is completely “in charge” of his branch of the service, right?  What does this look like, where “the rubber meets the road”?  Does it mean he lords it over everyone, just making careless decisions and commands, because he can; because he is in charge?  If he does, he’s certainly being a very rash and unwise leader. No, he’s going to have consultants, advisors – and especially in a time, and in areas where it matters most. He would be foolish just make a decision based on his own knowledge. In fact I think this is probably why they call “hidden information” – the information that undercover agents find out – “intelligence.”  It makes those in charge able to act with a much greater degree of “intelligence.”

Now let’s look at a typical situation in a homeschooling home…

I want to ask you dads a question:  Let's say you told your wife that you wanted you to get rid of all fresh fruit and whole grains in your house and that everyone was to start eating only candy and sugar cereals?  And ONLY these things!  Would you expect your wife to just quietly submit? I hope not!  J And I don't mean that she should rebel or be domineering or nasty about it either!  I would hope you have such a relationship with your wife that you'd be able to talk matters through that you disagree on and, be open to reading some things that your wife would suggest to you.

So to you dads who feel that “school is the best choice, or let's open it up a bit more – if you feel that "school at home" is the best way to homeschool, I'd like to humbly say this:  Please be open to learning some things about "true education." This will produce much more good fruit in your children than your current ideas of education could ever yield. Here’s another eye-opening quote from John Taylor Gatto:

        "I've come to believe that genius is an exceedingly common human quality, probably natural to most of us... I began to wonder, reluctantly, whether it was possible that being in school itself was what was dumbing them down. Was it possible I had been hired not to enlarge children's power, but to diminish it? That seemed crazy on the face of it, but slowly I began to realize that the bells and the confinement, the crazy sequences, the age-segregation, the lack of privacy, the constant surveillance, and all the rest of national curriculum of schooling were designed exactly as if someone had set out to *prevent* children from learning how to think and act, to coax them into addiction and dependent behavior."  

And this is just as likely to happen in the homeschool setting where “school at home” is the pattern and therefore the norm as it does in the traditional school setting. Men, it is vital that we allow God to “renew our minds” – renew our thinking about education if we are going to avoid the trap that so many homeschooling families fall into.

As the provider of your home, you probably don't have time for as in-depth of a season of renewing your mind as your wife might, but what has worked well for us and for many couples is for the husband to listen to tapes that the wife listens to also, and knows would minister to her husband, or that she (or one of the kids) reads to him on a tape so that he can listen to it traveling to and from work. Also she can highlight things (in a certain color for him) as she reads the material, and then they discuss these together.

If both parents are *not* on the same page in understanding, and in unity on how to approach the education of their children, then there will be disharmony, confusion, and unrest in the home, with Mom over-burdened and perpetually frustrated with trying to pursue what she believes God is trying to lead her into while her husband is playing "tug-of-war" and trying to lead her in a different direction. And it's not a game either!  J  I'm not saying that dad's thoughts should not be regarded!  There's *definitely* much in Dad's heart that God wants to impart to the wife AND children!  I'm only saying that if your wife is trying to tell you something, we as  husbands, teaching our families how to be humble and teachable by our example, need to have the humility and meekness of Jesus, to be or become teachable, and take on the heart of a learner. (I should note that sometimes these roles are reversed!  I've talked with couples where it was the husband who was getting renewed in his think­ing, but his wife didn't want to go there with him. Either way, humility is vital for both of the parents.

Unique giftings, talents, interests

UNIQUE = different from everything else, having no equal) Here is where you can really have some fun, but not until you get set free from the idea that you are supposed to fit into a particular mold as a homeschool dad. Dads tend to think that if they aren’t into – or don’t have time for – Let’s say, Math or Science, then they aren’t a very valuable part of their family’s homeschool experience. Not only is that UNtrue, but it’s also keeping countless homeschooled kids from getting the benefits and blessings that God intended them to have, coming through their dads.

Some of the things I personally enjoy doing are:  building something – as in working with wood;  going hunting – deer and elk;  fishing – all sorts: you name it, I’ll fish for it;  going skiing – water and snow;  outdoors-type activities, projects around the house, going boating, inner tubing, waterskiing. Passing a love for these things onto my kids, and teaching these activities to them – these are important;  but even more important and valuable is the TIME spent together – which is what results in relationship.

These things that *I* enjoy may be very different from what you enjoy and  that’s as it should be, because the world doesn’t need a million carbon copies of me!  (In fact, it doesn’t even need one!)  It takes all kinds of talents and skills to run this world, and make it go around, so the first thing we need to realize is that each of us is unique. You have your own unique giftings, talents, and interests. God put each of us here for a different reason, and we each bring our own unique qualities to our families.

So what about sharing these with our kids?  Well first, the thing to do with our interests is to not worry about developing them first, apart from our kids and families, and then be an “expert” for them. Like I don’t have to be a professional-quality carpenter before I can start teaching carpentry to my kids. In fact, I knew very little about carpentry when I started at it...

We needed to turn our garage into a bedroom, storage area, and office, and I had never done anything like that before. I was already slow enough just because I was trying to learn it myself, but when Barb heard we’d be doing this, she already had it planned and worked into a “Home Maintenance & Repair” class for our kids before I’d bought my first piece of floorboarding, so I didn’t have any choice but to bring the kids along into the project!  J …  No, actually I would have anyway, and she knew it, which is why she got excited about this – it was a learning opportunity for me AND for the kids!  … The best thing we can do is to just do the stuff we enjoy doing  – right along WITH our children!  To spend time with them…again we’re developing relationship.

Here’s a quote from Jim Howshall, in a Lifestyle of Learning journal: 

“Fathers away from home learn that when they are home, one of the best things they can give to their children is selfless time!  Including them in their chores and errands, working on projects together, and just having fun playing together. God will multiply a Father’s time when his priorities agree with His [the Heavenly Father’s].”

Another important quality of a good homeschooling dad is that he be:

Non-exasperating, approachable, reasonable

NON = a prefix in the English language used for expressing a negative sense of the word. EXASPERATING-Anger, irritating to a high degree, to inflame. Why is this mentioned in the Word for dads? – and not for wives – even though they must certainly do it also?  …  Because it is our nature as men to be the leader, the visionary, all the above-mentioned qualities within the context of our families. But without God tempering these qualities in us, we men tend to go “over the edge” and we try to forcefully produce something that only God can produce.

“The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

Our harshness will actually UN-do what we are wanting to do. It will make our kids feel like there’s no point in even trying to please us; that we dads are unpleasable.

If all that matters to us is our “high standards” and perfection, then we’ve lost the battle – and the point, too. We can make or break our kids’ ability and desire to grow. If we don’t do it God’s way, with God’s heart, we are actually keeping growth and maturity from happening. If they do happen, it will be in spite of us; not because of our pridefully “holding to a high standard.”

We have only one chance with our kids. We don’t have the time or the opportunity to try it several different times. Your child is going to be newborn… only once.

Six years old…  only once…   

A teenager…  only once. …

And then, they are gone. It might seem like it’s going to be an eternity that they’ll be around, underfoot at home, but I assure you, it’s not forever. Our two oldest, Sharnessa and Tory, are now grown and married, with homes of their own. We still have great relationships with them…and frequently get together, whether it be for dinner, a video, or just to hang-out…and this desire to be in relationship is just as much on their part as it is on ours.

Just last month Tory (our son) and Sam – my “other son,” Sharnessa’s husband – and I went to a Mariner’s baseball game up in Seattle together. We get together with the kids quite a bit, are all part of a Sunday evening fellowship group, attend the same church, and we talk in-depth about a lot of different things. They still come to us for advice although, at times, as we are all growing, we get some good advice from them too!

If you have taken the time to develop good relationships with your kids as they are growing up, you will have good relationships with them once they are grown. “You reap what you sow.”  There is no “anti-parent virus” that will hit them at a certain age and keep them from wanting to spend time with you, or seek your advice. You alone do that...

In fact, it’s my own personal belief that what will keep your kids from wanting a relationship with you while they’re still at home, or after they leave home, is this very issue of “exasperating” them. If there are negative consequences to expressing their feelings – like Dad yelling at them, or belittling them – then you may not even realize you’re exasperating them. They’re too scared or intimidated to express their feelings, for fear of “the wrath of Dad”…

Or another response in your kids could be sassy, disrespectful attitudes. If we are not treating them with respect, how can we expect them to respond respectfully?  We can't. Again, we reap what we sow.

Exasperation results from either of these two things:

1)  Impatience in yourself. Some of us just have too short of a “fuse.”  If things don’t go our way, and now, we just have no patience.

2)  Too high of expectations for your kids – or wife. There will ALWAYS be things we’ll be frustrated about in our kids. Kids are kids, and by their very nature are not yet mature. Now, wives are also wives, and by their very nature they are…  well, not necessarily immature, but sometimes still exasperating. J 

If we revert to yelling – at either our kids or our wives – and therefore and thereby exasperating them, it’s not our kids’ or wives’ fault either; it’s ours, and ours alone. Patience is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. And God doesn’t ask us to do or BE something that He doesn’t also give us the power to do – or become. Just because we aren’t naturally pa­tient doesn’t mean a thing – other than that’s something God wants to work on in us. So our only choice is to let Him.

I know this can feel a bit unsettling because our anger may be very effective in get­ting our kids – and maybe even our wives – to “jump when we say jump.”  But this is not godly leadership of our family. And it’s not going to get you the fruit you really  want. It will get you some external compliance, but you are really only sowing seeds that will end up in some very bitter fruit later on.

My wife and I have noticed a great tendency in our society for parents to think that teenage rebellion is a virus that will hit pretty much every teenager. It’s just expected that kids will rebel. We have a different theory about it…  We feel that, rather than rebellion coming from a virus, it comes from a seed – or actually from many seeds that we ourselves, the parents, sow. Remember, “A man sows what he reaps.”  There are, of course, many sources of those seeds, including exposing our kids to values and thinking – such as in public schools – that are unhealthy. But just pulling – or keeping – our kids out of the public schools – and really the private schools as well – is not going to cut it. When we are harsh with our kids, and do not treat them in a respectful, loving way – especially when they are frustrating us, We are actually sowing the seeds – ourselves – seeds that, as we continue to water them with our anger and our own lack of leading our families by serving and loving them, will result in a full-grown weed of rebellion.  And it is very destructive weed that’s very hard to uproot.

Sometimes we men can be a little blind, or dense. Has your wife ever told you “Honey, you JUST DON’T GET IT!”?  Well, here are a couple of verses that are an effective antidote – or maybe we should call it a “weed killer” for those of us who tend to exasperate our families… 

 “Let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not bring about the righteousness of God.”   James 1:19

“He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.”  Proverbs14:29

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. …  A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.”  Proverbs 15:1 and 4 

And finally, here’s the part about the blindfold coming off: 

“But we Christians have no veils over our faces.”  Or we could word that “no blindfolds over our eyes…”  To continue…  “We can be like mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord. And as the Spirit of God works within us, we become more and more like Him.”   

Now, how exactly does this happen?  Well, for a mirror to be reflecting something, whatever it’s reflecting has to be facing it, looking at it, and that’s really the bottom line, in three ways:

 Our HEARTS need to be facing God, humble and teachable; soft. Contrary to what the world says, “softness” is not equivalent to “weakness.”  (I hign a men’s group I’m part of, we are reading a book by Stu Weber called “Tender Warrior.”  …

 Our MINDS need to be “facing God” – open to Him, ready to be renewed. “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”  And then third and last…

 Our MOUTHS need to be “facing God” – “Open your mouth wide and see if I won’t fill it. You will receive every blessing you can use.”  (Psalms 81:10)  If kinder words are a “blessing you can use,” then we know God will be HAPPY to give that!

The last contribution or role I want to cover is:

Train, disciple and discipline kids

TRAIN = To teach and form by practice, to discipline) You may not realize it, but if you have been doing “all the above,” then you have already done about 90% of what’s involved in training and discipling your kids. We tend to think that training is mostly about our “parenting and discipline techniques,” but it’s really much more about relationship and example. In fact, if we try the training and techniques apart from relationship and example, we will only produce bitterness and rebellion in our children. This is much too broad to really cover here, so I will just give you a few of my thoughts and refer you to a few resources that will help you with the various aspects of this: They are mentioned in your handout.

     – Shepherding a Child’s Heart – by Tedd Tripp

     – Child Training Tips – by Reb Bradley

     – Effective Parenting of Teens – by Reb Bradley

Discipling our kids has much more to do with walking out our own walk with God in a way they can see, relate to, and respect than it has to do with leading family devotions or finding the right Bible Study. My wife has always been more attuned to spiritual things than I have. It’s always been hard for me to sit down and read a "spiritual" book or even the Bible without getting lost, or confused, or falling asleep. But something my wife pointed out to me is that these are not things that make you truly “spiritual.” They help you become more spiritual-minded, but you start to actually become spiritual by just responding to God’s pursuit of you.

I used to struggle with not feeling “spiritual” enough. In fact, this was one of the things that I let the enemy lie to me about, that led to me eventually leaving my wife. Shortly before I left her and the kids, I told her “I’m not what you want in a husband,” thinking she wanted a “spiritual giant” – someone with a lot more charisma or whatever than I had. Someone like some of the guys I knew at church. All she really wanted was for ME to be the best ME that I could be. But I didn’t really even want to be that at the time. I just wanted to do my own thing, which I thought would satisfy the deep needs inside me.

I lost a lot by not realizing this, by going my own way, thinking I was going after what I *really* wanted. I was trying to find fulfillment outside my marriage and home, in having a relationship with another woman, and I almost lost everything of value to me in doing that. I’m still amazed that I didn’t. In that six months that my wife not-so-affectionately calls my “out to lunch” season, I came way too close to losing everything. So probably the first and best thing I’ve ever done in “discipling” my kids was to acknowledge how foolish I’d been and come back home. It was another year before I actually came back to having a relationship with the Lord though, and repented. But when I did, the scales fell from my eyes much like they must have fallen from Paul’s…

Speaking of whom, my wife used to pray, during the separation, that I would get “knocked down off my horse and blinded” – like Paul. He was on his way to persecute more Christians when this happened to him, so she figured it would be a good way for God to deal with me too!  J  It happened a little differently for me, but the scales DID come off of my eyes. However, in my case, it had a lot to do with my kids and their godly examples to me…

They had actually pretty much given up on trying to get me to come back to God. In fact, my wife had taken them to a Christian counselor because she knew he had some encouraging counsel for them. This counselor's own father had been brought to the Lord by his own kids, so he knew the power kids could have as far as sharing God with their elders, and he didn’t want our kids to get discouraged and give up on me. Or rather, he wanted to help them get UNdiscouraged.

Back to when I finally did come back to God – that was another story in itself, but in a nutshell, I “saw the light” pretty quickly…  The morning after the night I came back to God, I couldn’t sleep in the early hours of the morning, and I knew it was because I needed to make things right with my kids. So I got up and wrote a letter to them, just telling them how proud I was of them, and some of the things I saw in each of them, and then had the pastor read it out loud at church, in front of the church body.

I share this with you not because I’m proud of it – I should never have had reason to write such a letter to my children, and I’m certainly not encouraging you to go down the path I did just so you can make a come-back like this. I’m sharing it only because my wife has pointed out to me that this was the absolutely best place I could start in discipling my kids. Not trying to cover up or explain or rationalize my guilt, not trying to “buy back” their love, but by just being humble before them, and totally admitting my complete failure to them. Men, when we’ve failed, we won’t gain a thing by trying to “save face.”  We actually lose face, and lose the respect we’re trying to get by doing that.

But unfortunately, I had to learn this the hard way…  I used to struggle with not feeling “spiritual” enough. In fact, this was one of the things that I let the enemy lie to me about, that led to me eventually leaving my wife. Shortly before I left her and the kids, I told her “I’m not what you want in a husband,” thinking she wanted a “spiritual giant” – someone with a lot more charisma or whatever than I had. Someone like some of the guys I knew at church. All she really wanted was for ME to be the best ME that I could be. But I didn’t really even want to be that at the time. I just wanted to do my own thing, which I thought would satisfy the deep needs inside me.

I lost a lot by not realizing this, by going my own way, thinking I was going after what I really wanted. I was trying to find fulfillment outside my marriage and home, in having a relationship with another woman, and I almost lost everything of value to me in doing that. I’m still amazed that I didn’t. So probably the first and best thing I’ve ever done in “discipling” my kids was to acknowledge how foolish I’d been and come back home. 

I don’t know about you, but when we look at everything we might be thinking God is asking of us, it’s easy to get a little overwhelmed because most of us realize only too well that we have a ways – maybe even a LONG ways – to go before we are fully mature in some, or even many of these. This is where we have to lay down our so-called “manly” pride and admit that we just don’t have it in us to become all that God wants us to be…

In fact, until we realize and admit it before God, we will only walk in continual frustration, because God set things up in such a way that only HE would be able to accomplish this work in us. He said: 

    “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 

Another translation says it this way,

    “My power shows up best in weak people.” 

This one of my favorite verses because it frees me up from feeling like I have to pull myself up by my hunting boot straps – or my neoprene fishing waders – and “JUST DO IT.”    J

Men, the sooner we realize we can't “just do it,” and stop trying to fool ourselves, and our wives, and our kids, into thinking we can, the sooner we will start to be moldable clay in God’s hands, and the sooner we’ll start being more of an asset than a liability to Him and His plan for our families. It’s easy to do more to frustrate God than to help Him out. It takes a “real man” to be able and willing to admit this, but once we do, and walk in it on a day-to-day basis, that’s when – in fact that’s the only way – God is going to be free to make that clay into the “Ultimate Dad and Husband” that He had in Mind when He created us.